African Dreaming

I’ve never had stranger dreams than the ones I’ve had in Africa. Maybe it’s the low sodium diet or the organic food, but the vivid dreams have just been astounding. Like the one where Carolyn and I are the only passengers on a 747 which is weaving through traffic and stopping, hovering, at traffic lights in a coastal town and then skimming by the cruise ships. Or the one where I am on a pirate ship with four midgets who all want to be the Capitan, a dream right out of the movie Time Bandits, and I haven’t seen that flick in a decade.

I have a clearly stated personal policy, and many of you know this, that I will not buy lottery tickets for other people for the reason that if they should happen to win on a ticket printed just one away from the one I am buying for myself I would simply have to kill myself. I have no problem having other people buy tickets for me but, usually after learning that I won’t reciprocate, people refuse to buy for me anymore, a reverse situation for which I have no problem with. Which brings me to last night’s dream. I am sitting at a long picnic table on the shoulder of the Capitol Beltway eating dinner with a large group in the darkness while cars zip by. To my left my old scoutmaster from Troop 1140 is reading the newspaper and reads allowed the headline, “The Lottery Is Lucky For People Associated With Brad Baldwin.” At which point I become very agitated and demand the reason for this story. So he continues reading and it describes how two people I bought tickets for have recently won big. I demand to know who it is when out of nowhere 70’s funny man Tim Conway, sitting halfway down the table, says he is one of the people. Stunned, I ask how much he won and he tells me it was the “Mega”. It turns out my scoutmaster is the other beneficiary and pocketed a breezy twenty-five grand on a scratcher, a thousand of which he has already given away to a police charity of all places!

I’m so pissed off that I grab a saltshaker off the table and throw it into traffic and it explodes all over the hoods of cars racing around the inner-loop. As I’m turned around, watching the salt flying everywhere, I see my parents driving up behind us and upon exiting the car my mom tries to calm me down. I’m inconsolable; pointing to Tim Conway I exclaim, “Are you kidding me? Dorf on Golf won the mega!”


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Dear Reader,
If you enjoyed this post and would like to learn more about Emmy Award winning comedian Tim Conway, or would like to purchase his Dorf on Golf videos please visit his website.